6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
