If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
