the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
