goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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