Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
