all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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