I want to have your abortion
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
