i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
