Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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