Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Four minutes until I can fart!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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