She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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