You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize