I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
