Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
