Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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