I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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