You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize