Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
