How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
