Define "chronic" masturbator.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
