hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
