tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
