Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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