I think my fart just growled at me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
