I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
