It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
