theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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