Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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