So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
