Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
