i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
40s are totally the cure
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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