Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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