Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
