I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
