Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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