Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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