I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
