What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize