my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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