I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Jerry, you need to find god
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
