So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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