p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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