not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
