So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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