You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
