they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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