My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
