Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
