I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
