Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
