I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
