If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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