u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
