i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
