the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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