Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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