The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
