I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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