puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
