thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
