i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
