My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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