I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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